Redefining Manners

What are some of your etiquette lessons? We’d love to know.

Did you ever have a time when you weren’t sure what was the “proper” way to act was? Do we shake hands now? Do we open the door for someone? What do you think is “right?”

For me, my dilemma’s growing up were; Which fork do I use? How do I address an adult? Do I have to say please? What about thank you? Writing thank you notes…why?

I will tell you that these are things that I didn't know I needed to know. As a kid, I was playing, climbing, roller skating, and mostly interacting with other kids. Which fork did I use? The one that was on the table…I wasn't a neanderthal!

However, as an adult, I looked back on my upbringing. I realized that my parents were serious about training us on social expectations and interactions; therefore, it was part of our daily life lessons.

I wish I could go back in time to ask why the etiquette choices they decided were non-negotiable, but my research shows that Miss Manners is not only a real thing but a real person. Yes, Judith Martin, in her 80's now, has been a syndicated "authority" on manners since 1978 and there was Emily Post before then. Did they read her column, or did they use their personal experiences to identify what was critical to our social success?

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The fundamentals are that good manners show that you value the feelings of others. There are probably 50+ behaviors that we were expected to learn when I was growing up. There was probably 30+ that were identified and expected behavior from my kids. Now, as a grandparent, I must ask myself how many expected social behaviors are expected from the next generation.

One vivid memory I had growing up was from every Thanksgiving as far back as I can remember. We went to my mom's brother's house with grandparents, adults, and 13 kids, the chance of making it to the "adult table" was a slim possibility. Even though we were relegated to the "kids table," the use of multiple forks, spoons, and glasses took the celebration to a new level. Why the first fork? When not to use the first fork, and just when you think you survived the class, the following Thanksgiving, I found myself facing a quiz year after year. Of course, this holiday was the only time, as a kid, I had come across this utensil. To a kid, a 364 day break does not retention make. To this day, every time I see that first fork, I get a cold sweat and wonder if I will make it past that first test.

As for the topic of how to address an adult, as a kid, it was easy. An adult was either aunt or uncle X (first name), non-family were still aunt or uncles, and casual adult interaction was always Mr. or Mrs. X (last name). Easy, until I became an adult myself, and I had to talk to slightly older adults, like my first boss. Do you want to know how hard it was to not call him Mr. Gully and call him Harold instead? Weird. The rules for my kids on the naming procedure were still aunt or uncle, for the real aunts or uncles, or Miss X (first name) for friends. There was one exception, and that was my brother-in-law, Tom. You can guess why he only wanted his first name used. Of course, you can always just call him “Tom my uncle,” which his nephews do! Really…to this day! Creative etiquette…love it.

Research from the Emily Post Etiquette Institute has shown that the following generation's etiquette on calling a person a specific name is whatever the recipient wants to be called. Defaulting to the formal is always appropriate until told otherwise, so things here haven't appeared to change too much.

Let's spend a moment talking about please and thank you. These are probably the 3 words that have been constant over time and are expected regardless of the generation. I am personally as glad that those have lasted the test of time.

As for writing thank you notes, it was my mother's most emphatic expectation. You get birthday gifts, write a thank you note. Graduation cards with cash, write a thank you note. The interesting caveat was that the present or money could not be used until the thank you note was mailed. I continued that expectation with my kids, but I have seen a morph in the delivery. Now, as adults, in place of the mailed thank you card, it appears that an acceptable action is a text message saying thank you. Hmmm, haven't been able to get my head around that as being appropriate etiquette...yet. When discussing it with my adult kids, they see a thank you phone call or text as a serious and heartfelt way to say thank you.

Kindness and politeness are not overrated at all. They are underused. So, as grandparents, what are we doing to reinforce social etiquette? Step one, for sure, is talking to the parents to be sure you are not undermining their family etiquette focus. Step two is to share your reasons why you would like the old-fashioned mailed thank you card, or opening a door for someone, or that first fork. Whatever is important to you.

What are some of your etiquette lessons? We’d love to know. Please share in comments below.

Thank you!