How NOT to be a toxic grandparent
News alert!
I was not a perfect parent! And guess what? There is no such thing as a perfect grandparent either!
I know, I know, that's shocking, but if we are going to take our role as intentional grandparents seriously, then we also must be confident and courageous enough to take our blinders off. Now, if you are like me, it has been a few years since we were actively parenting, and our memory is probably a little vague. At least mine is. But if we genuinely self-assess and then finally accept that we were not perfect in that role, we can design our new role and intent with our grandchildren.
It's normal for grandparents to want to spoil their grandkids, or maybe meddle, a little, but it comes from love – usually.
So how do you go from caring, loving grandparent to toxic? Let's start with the definition of toxic. Merriam-Webster's definition of toxic is "very harmful or unpleasant in a pervasive or insidious way." So, taking that definition a step farther, I would add the grandparent component to the definition and include in toxic, a lack of empathy for other people's feelings…especially your children.
Yes, I will repeat it, we were NOT perfect parents. If we hang on to that belief of perfection, and it is not held in check, we can quickly become a toxic grandparent.
Now I believe that most of us can differentiate between being a positive, reinforcing, and supportive grandparent and being the actual parent.
Think back. You remember those decisions, big or small, that belong solely to you as the parent. Now, I am not saying that as a grandparent, you don't have opinions. After all, we have lived, and with that living comes to some thoughts, experiences, and best practices. These thoughts, however, could easily be presented as actual facts. You know those opinions; daycare ideas, food choices, how the child should be disciplined, allowance, bedtime, the list goes on and on.
I have one FACT for you: We don't have the final say on anything that our kids and their spouses, as the parent to your grandchildren, have.
So, what are the signs of a toxic relationship? Well, here are three things can we do that will keep the toxic grandparent devil at bay?
1- Don't insert yourself into the day-to-day activities or decisions being made by the parents. If you have the luxury of living close by and often see your grandchild, you may have an unintended opportunity to watch their decision-making firsthand. It is our job to "speak when spoken to." Don't proactively share how "they should do something." Or worse yet, use guilt, "that's what I did when you were a baby, and look how you turned out."
2- Don't compete with the other grandparents. I do not have the luxury of living close to my grandbaby. The grandparent with day-to-day interaction has close proximity and more time with the grandchild. My response to you is, "Get over it."
This is not a competition. When you have a chance to interact with your grandkids, don't say anything demeaning or harmful about the other party. Acting jealous or hurt does nothing to endear you to the parents or the kids. Find creative ways to have a virtual relationship. Remember, the post office can also be your friend.
3- Don't always be the grandparent baring gifts. It's normal that we want to spoil our grandkids and bring expensive gifts every time we see them. You might think it's ok to provide an overabundance of gifts to outshine the other grandparents or even Santa during the holiday. Oh, and by the way, there are no iPhones, iPods, Gameboys, or PlayStations without early discussion with the parents. Why? Spoiling the child for a short-term gain for you elevates you to the verge of toxicity.
The intentional grandparent's role is not to challenge the new culture but instead find a new way to fit in. So, take a breath, outline how you would like to fit into their lives, and then have an open and honest discussion with the decision-makers.
Leaning into discomfort will create a new culture that is a win-win for both….and the only winner will be the grandbabies. So, breathe and know that you and the new parents are not perfect, and that's ok.
