5 Secrets of a Confident Grandmother

Shhhh, mums, the word!

Confidence is underrated. So, let’ change that! What is confidence? The Oxford dictionary says it is "a feeling of self-assurance arising from one's appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities.” For this blog, we will refer to confidence as your specific lifetime experiences, best practices gathered, and legacy that only you bring to the table.

The role of a grandparent is ever-changing. With this change comes a new, unknown role that has been thrust upon us. My personal journey into grandparenting could be considered a minefield. This minefield began where my child married and then added a child into the mix. Or just adding a child into the mix brings about the same outcome.

So, what are the secrets to a confident grandparent? First, acknowledging that there are landmines that you will be facing. Yep, landmines. However, with the confidence that you possess, you will be able to successfully identify which of these land mines you can safely pivot around, those that might quiver as you approach, or those that can blow up in your face. Hopefully, we will never have to face those that blow up but rest assured, even with that outcome, there are ways, with confidence, that you can come out of it strong.

 Take a little trip down memory lane with me. When we were parents, we were in charge. I personally didn’t realize how powerful it was. We decided how we would influence and raise our kids, their religious beliefs, family values, sibling relationships, work ethic, activities, and interaction with the grandparents. Complex, yes, but…

Being a grandparent is more complex than just being the mother or father, where you write the household rules. Looking back, I see that my confident parents, now grandparents understood that there were 2 key interaction points. The first, interacting with your child’s spouses’, the second, collaborating with the “other” grandparents who bring their own traditions, raising styles, and priorities.  

If you want to be part of your grandchildren’s lives here are my five secrets:

1-    Don’t act jealous of the other grandparents

There may be one grandparent with closer geographic proximity to your grandchild or one that is currently not working a full-time job that could be more interactive than you. If you feel like you are the “odd man out,” the jealousy gene may show a little paranoia and rear its ugly head. Comments like “OMG, why did they give MY grandchild that ugly hat or toy or sweater?”  or “how come they are always around when you finally do get some time with them?” This is typically a response of someone that might think that the other grandparent is more loved or matter more. That is further from the truth. It’s not a competition – it’s a family.

As Elsa sang in Disney’s movie, Frozen, “Let it go.” But I would edit it a little and add, "Let it go, and have a plan." Find something that you can do with your grandchild that is your time together. A holiday tradition that is yours and yours alone. Possibly a book a week zoom where you and your grandbaby read a book together or play a game or solve verbal puzzles.

2-    Keep quiet

The child you raised, put all your blood, sweat, and tears in, and given your lifelong commitment, are now on that same journey.  In the first 6 months, at least, of your child’s new role of childrearing parent, there were alarms and sirens that went off as if they were offered a world class spa gourmet dining unlimited premium drinks and pampering experience and opted instead to stay at a hostel. Whatever the thoughts that are ready to pour out of your mouth, keep it to yourself. Our only job is to give support, not anxiety.  

Sometimes opening your mouth is imperative if you believe that your grandchild is in danger. Danger typically involves food that might not be safe to eat, plugs that might not be covered, or even stairs that aren't blocked for a toddler to plunge headfirst down the flights. Dangers that aren't potential dangers are giving your unsolicited opinion on Montessori vs. public school, how they choose how holidays are celebrated, or even if they decided to buy your grandkid a car. Sorry to disappoint but these are not dangers.

I'm not saying to be quiet but rather find some nugget, something positive and supportive of their decision. Trust me, this will be respected.

3 - Your child and grandchild are different

Perhaps your child had colic or never slept through the night, had a beautiful head of hair, was a vegetable hater, or even walked at 9 months. Just because that happened to your child doesn't mean that it will be the same fate as your grandchild. So, while stories are exciting and support is valuable, constantly referring to your own parental traumas and victories doesn't help the current state.

Remember that your child and spouse have their own fears, concerns, and apprehensions and our job as grandparents is to support and reassure.

4-    Break the rules…

As a child, one of the coolest parts of staying at my grandparent's place is that my bedtime was not as regimented as it was at home; I got special treats that were usually not part of my family desserts and eating cookie dough while creating cookie masterpieces were part of the daily fare.

Obviously, my grandparents were breaking clear rules set by my parents, and if my parents had an issue with it, I never knew.

I am not encouraging breaking the rules but rather promote transparency with their parents. Also, you must ask yourself, are these the activities that you and your child participated in? Are they harmful?

Honesty and explaining the why will go a long way and remember never to use the "it's our little secret" because trust me, it won't be your little secret for long.   

5 – Share the stories

We are a wealth of stories, pictures, and legacy that no one will know if we don't "play it forward." Before smartphones captured hundreds of images a day and geo-tagged them with dates and locations, there were printed pictures. If you haven't digitized them, make that a priority. Your kids may not know that they want them yet, but they will eventually regret that they don't know who Aunt Midge is and how she is related to them.

I am not however, recommending the conversations are about, "back in the day, I walked to school in the dead of winter, uphill 10 miles, both ways." I recommend incorporating stories that share family history and record them. Maybe play table games of what it like in the '60s, '70s, etc., or creating a book on Shutterfly on life of "me." There are numerous ways to keep the history, the family, and the memories moving forward.

A quote from a “B” spaghetti western that I remember is: “they say we die twice. Once when the breath leaves our body, and once when the last person we know says our name. Find a way to keep your name and your stories going forward.

These 5 secrets to being a confident grandparent is inside of you. I would love to hear your secrets!