From Stepparent to Super-Grandparent: My Adventure as a Step-Grandma

Where did the traditional family go? You know, mom, dad, and 2.2 kids?

Growing up, I thought my sisters and I were in a "traditional" family. After all, my uncle's and aunt's families and neighbors' and friends' were structured like ours. With an average of four kids in the families surrounding us, obviously, I was not aware that there was an official definition of a traditional family.

The classic family setup with a mom, a dad, and a couple of kids, known as the "nuclear family," became a big deal in the US around the 1950s. It was all the rage, and everyone aspired to accomplish it after World War II. This structure and definition have been regarded as the cornerstone of stability and support within society, providing a sense of security, emotional connection, and shared values.

However, if we are being truthful, there has never really been a traditional family environment. In the 1940s, divorced or single parents weren't talked about much, but the number of adults who fell into this category wasn't as small as first thought. Research has shown that 3.4% of the married population fell into this category. This rate increased slightly during the latter part of the decade, reaching around 1.7 divorces per 1,000 people by the end of the 1940s.

Introduction: A New Chapter in Life

Father and Son

One thing I have learned is that change is constant, and in the 1970s and 1980s, there was a significant shift in societal attitudes toward marriage and divorce. The stigma associated with divorce diminished, making it a more socially acceptable option for couples experiencing marital issues.

This shift is where my story begins. I am a stepmother and now a step-grandparent.

You have heard us say this before: stepping into the role of a grandparent is a profound experience that fills our hearts with joy and excitement. When this journey involves stepchildren, it brings a unique blend of emotions and challenges. Today, I want to share my personal journey of becoming a grandparent through my stepchild, a tale of love, adaptation, and the boundless joy that grandchildren bring.

Building Strong Bonds with Stepchildren

The Early Days

When I first became a stepparent, I knew it would be a journey of building trust and creating a family dynamic that worked for everyone. There were ups and downs, more ups and downs, moments of doubt, and plenty of learning experiences. One angst that I still experience, now 45 years later, is around Mother's Day. After all, I am not HIS mom, but rather his dad's wife. Shee….So, when Mother's Day came, like every year, I had some doubts that I would be remembered as a Mother. Sometimes, we get in our own way, and I found that that self-doubt was exacerbated as the morning turned into the afternoon and then into the evening. Then, the call. It finally came with love, well wishes, and happiness. I don't know who orchestrated it, my husband, or if it was because the foundation of our relationship made wishing me a happy Mother's Day was the right thing to do. Over time, the relationship grew stronger, laying the foundation for the incredible journey of grandparenthood.

Open Communication

Open communication was one of the critical aspects I finally figured out that built a strong bond with my stepson. More times than I can count, during his growing years, he would say with frustration, "Mom and Dad don't understand me, I can only talk to Carlene about anything!" Wow, that was something I didn't expect but cherish to this day! That helped me find myself listening more, paying even closer attention, and trying to empathize with his feelings. The good news is that we had 40+ years of being a step to him before we had to figure out how to extend that relationship to his son.

Mike and Me at Disneyland 1983

Mutual Respect and Love

Respect and love go hand in hand. I would love to say that it was easy. In the early years, his dad was a "Disneyland Dad" since he had visitation, not custody. During one of the first times that the 3 of us were together, we actually were at Disneyland, and the contempt and internal emotions swirled in this 5-year-old's body. There were evil looks, don't sit by me, and gestures of love to his dad that were intended to show his sole loyalty to him. There were many more of these actions over the following visits, but I cared; he was worth the wait. I kept showing that I genuinely cared and respected him. I never spoke poorly of his mom, and eventually, I earned his trust and affection. Over time, it became mutual respect, creating a warm environment where love could flourish. I have to be honest; this did make the transition to grandparenthood smoother.

Finding My Role

As a step-grandparent, I found myself in somewhat familiar territory. My stepson always had a mom, his wife always had her mom, and both naturally transitioned into the grandparent role. I was the odd man out, been there, done that!

What was new in this mix is that his dad has now passed away, so that biological link was severed. What is a "step" to do? How do I fit in? Will the undercurrents change? So, I dusted off my memories of what I did and didn't do to build that initial trust and love with my stepson and hunkered down to find my new role within the family dynamic. I learned that balancing my involvement while respecting the parents' boundaries can be tricky. But the 3 P's were in order. Presence, Patience, and Positivity.

By that I mean:

Presence: With a 3,000-mile difference between our homes, being physically present has to be choreographed, but it is time well spent. This means I try to spend quality time with them; I attend swimming lessons, soccer events, and as many holidays as possible. The other side of presence is being emotionally available. We connect by FaceTime between visits. We tell jokes and talk about nothing and everything. I believe my effort to be present helps provide love and a sense of security in addition to his mom and dad.

Patience: Out of the mouth of babes. Hearing "poop, poop" followed by a giggle is probably, no, hopefully, just a phase of a newly 4-year-old, and I am certain he won't find it funny in a few years. Meanwhile, listening, guiding, and supporting him without rushing or pressuring him is something I work on every day. Speaking of mistakes, he went to school for 4 days without wearing underpants! Talk about accepting their mistakes and helping them learn from them.

Positivity: My stepson starts his kid's day with "Happy Today." My stepson and I haven't talked about the positive subliminal message he is sending, but I love it and want to continue to foster that positive environment. I believe this can encourage and uplift this little tyke and help build his self-esteem, which is also part of my role. My hope is that sharing positive experiences and celebrating both his and my achievements will create lasting memories and strengthen our bond.

Conclusion

In conclusion, I have learned that navigating the dynamics of being a step-grandmother can present unique challenges, but we are up for it! Remember that it requires lots of patience, empathy, and communication. My goal is to continue to integrate into the family unit and find my place to cultivate meaningful bonds.

But I have to ask…who decided that 2.2 kids and a mom and dad were "normal?" I sure would like to meet them.