Finding Your Groove: How to adjust to your new role as a grandparent

Welcome to 'Finding Your Groove: The Grandparent Edition.' I don’t know about you, but I always thought that …grandparents are old, gray hair wrapped into a tight bun, wrinkly smiles and when visiting there was always the smell of something yummy wafting from the kitchen.

I never “got the memo” on grandparenting, I don’t have gray hair, never wore it in a bun and as for baking, let along cooking, the only thing wafting from my kitchen is still smell of something recently burnt. Me… a grandparent? Wow! When did that happen? It can’t be me. Adjusting to a grandparent role…how do we “do” it?

As I reflect, I was a multi-tasking working parent, managing family, career, activities and trying to find a free minute to myself one day and today, I officially became a grandparent. Where did the time go?

So, the time did fly and there are defining moments that start today, with the introduction of this new addition…my first grandchild. What does he call me? When I was growing up, the answer was the traditional view. There was my grandma and grandpa, the parents of my mom. On my dad’s side there was Grandpa Frank and Bushi (the Polish word for grandma).

What’s in a name?

If you've recently donned the title of 'Nana' or 'Pops,' you are ahead of me as I explore the art of adjusting to my newfound role. Easy, I could probably grab one of those, or one might think so, but unfortunately no. There are now step grandparents, divorced grandparents, regular grandparents on both sides of the family and of course the vying for a name that the others in the extended were personally familiar with made it a race to grabbing the coveted name that will be remembered for generations to come.

The core other new grandparents grab the coveted Grandma Cindy and Marilyn. Can the kid take another grandma? I think not. Since I am the step grandparent, Grandma Carlene just had more baggage then was worth debating, so the selection for me wasn’t going to be as easy. 

So, I looked beyond the traditional. What did my parents call themselves? Was it a conscious decision? I find out the answer was a definitive yes! My mom grew up with the Shirley Temple movies (google search her before she was a UN Ambassador) and Heidi being her favorite movie. She decided that the caring powerful and protective Grandfather from the movie would be my dad’s name and hers Grandmother. As the daughter with the first grandchild, I voiced a mild concern that those names might be a mouthful for a young child. Lesson #1, kids are a sieve and learn whatever you want to teach them. Want to be called Grandmother? No problem, just say it often, refer to yourself as such and the name will stick. Now 30 years later, when discussing my parents, Grandmother and Grandfather rolls trippingly off the tongue of all the grandkids. Mom, you were very wise. 

So, back to my dilemma? I needed a name. Some of the names that made the short list were Oma and Opa, German for grandparents, but not being German took that quickly off the list, heading down the language route, Grand mere & Grand pere was viewed and dropped, there was Baba & Gigi, Nana & Papa, MeMaw and Pawpaw. Ugh.

Taking a step back, I looked at my relationship with my stepson, who I knew since he was 5 years old. Not being able to call me Mom while growing up, which felt wrong on so many levels, he and I came up with our own personal term of endearment. He is known by all as Michael or Mike, but only Mi to me, and no one else, and I, Car, a shorten version of my name, Carlene.

The decision was clear, expand our personal term of endearment to represent me, Lucas’ grandmother is now and forever called, Carma.

My grandson is still very young, but Carma is going to share the story, so Lucas not only continues to call me Carma but understands the why to play it forward for generations to come.

But wait, there is more! What is my job description?

Where is My Job Description?

I’ve worked in information technology, finance, human resources, and even customer service, I have had job titles from the mundane to the most powerful. Now, with no job posting, a new role has been thrust upon me. What are the job duties? Somewhere there should be a grandparent job description template, duties, and responsibilities or at least an administrative assistant to support me along the way.

I knew I had 9 months to prepare for the role. Now I find that as I speak to other family members in this same grandparent or great grandparent position, the day-to-day job specifications are each unique in their own way. What specific skills do I need to make the transition? What am I supposed to “do”? With every new role I had throughout my career there was a clear written job description, and that description included clearly defined roles, expectations, and goals.

When my first grandbaby, Lucas was born, no one handed me the grandparent manual. My mother and grandmothers were no longer with me so I searched out other relatives only to find out that there isn’t one. Hmmm, I guess writing a job description just might be the start of a book idea…but I digress. Since there is no “how-to” book that I can find that tells me what my job is or even if there is a job, I’ve moved into foreign territory for someone that has always knew the expectations.

So, new grandparents out there, or veteran grandparents, how did you define your job?

While I wait for your responses, I started to formulate my plans and decided that this new role was going to give me a personal re-boot. What is the role I want to take on? Oh, and did I mention my grandbaby is 3000 miles away? How do I accomplish this with that distance?

Before I present my personal vision of my job to my son and daughter-in-law, I figured the come up with a skeleton of details, so we had a starting point for discussion. You are probably asking why a discussion point with the kids? Well, as I see it, they are my partner in this journey and with their alignment they can help make the plan a reality. After all, who is interacting with the grandkid every day? Who is it that can orchestrate get togethers, phone calls, activities and stories?

I don’t know if my grandparents had a plan, but each side of the family had different interactions with me. My mom’s parents lived near our home, and the family business was attached to their home. I saw them every day while working at the store, eating meals in the kitchen, making Easter baskets in the basement and they were truly an extension of my home life and a defining part of my childhood. As for my dad’s side of the family my memories are less vivid. There was the yearly Christmas Eve party when all the cousins, uncles and aunts would get together, but other than that there was a periodic visit to their home, no memories of them coming to ours. Same community, all about the same distance away, yet significantly different interaction.

So, my first decision was easy, yep, Lucas will be in my life. My starting point which was easily accepted was a weekly phone call during the early years, so he can see pictures, start hearing my name and monthly cards that his parents can read to him and ultimately will be our personal communication. My thought about the cards is that it wouldn’t just be the “hi, miss you” kind of card but rather something that tells a story. A monthly story of stories from my past, his grandfather’s past that he never met, events, traditions or maybe even a defining moment in history, a story of his dad from the past. Something that will give him some insight into the legacy that he will now join.

Apologize For Old Habits
I knew I am going to make mistakes. Adapting to being a grandparent will require me to fully accept myself in this new role…still working on this one. I have done some self-reflection and found myself taking the time to assess and draw upon all my experience, knowledge and wisdom that has accumulated throughout life. That’s a lot of things to think about!  The biggest ah-ha moment was that his change is creating a matriarch role for me. As scary as that it, I am proud being a grandparent an excitedly take on the role of influencer in shaping future generations, one grandkid at a time.

Reinvent Yourself

Lean into discomfort…you are never too old to reinvent yourself!

After 75 years of living a selflessly devoted, emotionally draining, and yet exhilarating role of being a grandmother, mother, and daughter, one woman set out to lean into discomfort and tackle a new way of communicating with her family, friends, and daughters daily. You know, the comfort zones we all have, both professionally and personally.

Raised in the era of talking over the fence with neighbors and friends was an everyday occurrence. For the few that lived farther away, snail mail was the most cost-effective form of communication. A postage stamp cost $0.03, and a long-distance phone call was a luxury that was saved only for the direst of emergencies.

While raising her family, juggling multiple responsibilities of work, spouse, parents, all vying for time and attention, she was no different than any parent during the first 25 years of marriage. The world moved from party lines to princess telephones to car phones to smartphones.

Also, during this time, the world suddenly got smaller. The close loved ones were no longer just a quick walk out to the backyard or down the block for conversations and friendship but were now spread around the country with hundreds of miles and often multiple time zones away.

As John Lennon once said, “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” This poignant and relevant statement was true "back in the day" as well as in today's fast-paced world and will be playing forward for generations to come. Numerous famous quotes remind us of time passing. Albert Einstein said, “Time flies when you are having fun,” or Ben Franklin, “Lost time is never found again.” The quotes have the same theme over the days, decades, and centuries, from famous, infamous, or just average people, time is over in the blink of an eye. As we all move through time, each of us is reinventing ourselves, and sometimes we are doing it with conscious thought, sometimes not. As this solitary woman decided, today they were going to be with conscious thought. 

She was at a pinnacle point in her reinvention. Yes, she has been reinventing herself countless times as the situations arose. Naturally, losing a loved one, parent, or spouse, the change before your eyes of children becoming young adults and parents themselves were the natural changes that occur, but as Robert Orben said, “Time flies. It’s up to you to be the navigator.” So, she took the pen to paper and decided to be her own navigator. The decision to create this particular legacy did not come easily but was something that she thought about privately for months. Her thoughts consumed her. She constantly asked herself why she was going down this path, what would be its purpose, and of course, what could carry forward as the world continued to change. The most dramatic and life-altering re-invention of her life had to do with three simple yet powerful little words. She determined that these three words would represent her brand, her thoughts, and her legacy.

As time elapsed, she decided to test the waters and see what others thought of her plan. She did an informal survey of those closest to her on their thoughts about her vision and chosen words. She listened carefully to their feedback. And, with the grace and pose she always possessed, thanked them for the upside and downside of its usage. She ultimately decided to use her words. 

When she first used the words, it brought surprise and questions from those she used it. They didn’t feel that she needed to do this but, true to her belief that this was what she wanted to use, nothing could stand in her way. She ultimately turned doubters into missionaries of her vision and words. Her heartfelt and passionate three words she used the remaining years of her life. In closing her emails, letters, and texts to all her daughters, family, and friends at the end of every day, those words were present.

My mom, the 75-year-old in this story, is our kid's Grandmother. She is no longer with us, but memories of her and her one heartfelt choice are never too far from my heart. Probably one of the best gifts we were ever given was her three words. To honor her and keep her memory alive, we carried it forward to every text, to/from every sister, every evening. Of course, Grandmother always spelled it out, Love, Hugs & Blessings. The sisters have shortened it to LHB. You will also notice it is on Jack, our teddy bear's foot, in our collaborative book, The Marshmallow Mystery. A story that keeps Grandfather's stories alive. A story that keeps Grandfather’s stories alive…but that’s another blog.

You are never too old to reinvent yourself!

Buckle up, folks, because it's time to boogie your way into the wonderful chaos of grandparenthood. Thank you for reading this blog! If you enjoyed the stories and want to delve into more captivating narratives, I highly recommend purchasing "Not My Monkeys." This collection is filled with an assortment of engaging tales that are sure to captivate your imagination and provide hours of entertainment. So, if you're hungry for more stories and adventures, grab a copy of "Not My Monkeys" and let the journey continue. Happy reading!